How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
This gyro tastes like lonliness
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
