the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
