WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
