my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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