Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
