I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
