Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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