Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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