i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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