thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
