I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
