I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
