you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
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