If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Sorry my hands just texted you
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
