Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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