They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize