You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
