Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
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