Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
last night I used snow as a chaser
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
