He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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