You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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