just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
