ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
