And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
you had me at cake vodka
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
