I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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