I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
