I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
