Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
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so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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