After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
