and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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