I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Randomize