You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
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