Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
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