there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Actions speak louder than pants.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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