My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
