we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
