R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
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I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
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I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
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