Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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