Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
