I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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