Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
