My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
