Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Randomize
