As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
