how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
