I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
