My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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