I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Randomize
