All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
