It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
