I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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