I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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