I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Randomize
