you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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