You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
