Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
