My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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